A few posts back, I promised to talk about the essential qualities of femininity…so here goes.

Many different schools of thought have tackled the question of “what are masculine and feminine?”, and I’ve compiled this list of words for you from quite a few different sources, from the writings of David Deida to Taoist philosophy.

Read this list over and see if you can get a feel for the common thread that all these words describe. It’s important to remember one basic point: masculine and feminine are not opposites…they are complements. Neither is “better” or more “important”…they are simply different and equally valid ways of relating to and experiencing the world.

Masculine…..Feminine
Rational…..Emotional
Logic…..Intuition
Unchanging…..Changing
Stillness…..Motion
Yang…..Yin
Consciousness…..Radiance
Penetrative…..Receptive
Emptiness…..Fullness
Detachment…..Embrace
Nothingness…..All
Oneness…..Many
Solitude…..Togetherness
Letting go…..Relating/Completion
Freedom…..Connection
Agency…..Communion
The Perceiver…..The Perceived
Eros…..Agape
Presence…..Surrender

Yeah, I know…some of these terms are pretty abstract. But they all describe essentially the same thing…the same paired concepts that can hardly be said to exist independently of each other. (That’s why I’ll often use the well-known but little-understood Taoist words “yang” and “yin” instead of “masculine” and “feminine”, because they encompass so much more than what’s in your pants.)

As a whole, masculinity embodies a cut-and-dried, solid, you-are-what-you-are way of being…whereas femininity “goes with the flow”, naturally reflecting what is happening in the moment. That’s why men can so easily perceive women to be fickle, overly emotional, and irrational…and then come to the natural conclusion that she’s (cue jazz hands)….”craaaaa-zeeeeeeee!”

The point is not that she doesn’t make sense, because she most certainly doesn’t, strictly from the point of view of the masculine comprehension. But remember…by contrast, the masculine way of looking at things and dealing with the world can (in a woman’s eyes) brand a guy stubborn, insensitive, and uncaring.

The point really is that from the larger perspective, neither way of looking at things is ideal in all circumstances. And, perhaps more importantly, both ways complement each other. There are gifts for you somewhere inside that’s woman’s craziness.

So…think about that. Read that list a couple or a dozen times. Wrap your brain around what it means for you to be “a guy”…and what it means for a woman to be in contrast with that. I’ll go into this next time in Part 2, when I’ll talk more about those crazy gifts and how to unwrap them.

We can’t be afraid anymore. And that’s the real downfall of the American male. They’re afraid of everybody. They’re afraid of foreigners; they’re afraid of women; they’re afraid of losing; they’re afraid that they can’t fall asleep at night; they’re afraid that they can’t get it up. That’s the downfall, that’s the underlying cause of the decline: fear.

When we let go of that fear, things will change. The fear is what stops us from being men. Because men should not be afraid. Aggression is a symptom of fear. Men don’t need to be so aggressive. They’re supposed to be heroes and fathers and do great things. And this is not what men are doing anymore—they’re playing video games and getting fat on hot dogs. The women are moving ahead. And if they can’t do it with men, they’ll do it on their own. We need to make this world better. Men want to be heroes and if we don’t make men heroes, we’re only hurting ourselves.

—Kenneth Willardt, fashion photographer, in The Decline of Men, by Guy Garcia

This song by Gypsy Soul asks some profound questions about life and how you live it. All of these questions boil down to: how can you engage life now, such that you will leave the kind of legacy you desire? Are you living now the way you’d like to be remembered?

Ever since I first heard it a couple years ago, the haunting words and melody pop into my head every few days, compelling me to reflect upon how I might answer these questions:

Do I give enough? Do I love enough? Do I live enough?
Did I ever give up on anyone I shouldn’t have?
Do I risk enough? Do I forgive enough? Do I trust enough?
Am I good enough?

I don’t approach these questions as a test of my personal adequacy…because I know I’m always growing, and so in that respect, I know I’m fine just the way I am.

Rather, I use these questions as a measure of how well I’m following my compass. If I’m always asking myself questions like these, I know I’m pointed in the right direction.

Katie Freiling is a blogger who writes about personal development and online marketing. In this video, she sums up her recent personal transformation odyssey to Hawaii, shows us the killer beachfront pad where she spent her days, and speaks about her topic of the day—awareness—the real key to personal transformation and self-mastery. The mind (and our thoughts and emotions which are the fuel that drives it along) is such a powerful tool, we frequently mistake it for all we are. The very realization that the mind is just a tool leads us to the realization that, from moment to moment, we can choose how to use that tool. The mind is a wonderful servant, but a terrible master. Watch the video to see what Katie’s got to say, it’s awesome.

You have been telling the people that this is the Eleventh Hour. Now you must go back and tell the people that this is the Hour.

And there are things to be considered:

Where are you living?
What are you doing?
Where is your water?
Know your garden.

It is time to speak your Truth. Create your community. And do not look outside yourself for the leader.

This could be a good time.

There is a river flowing now very fast. It is so great and swift that there are those who will be afraid. They will try to hold onto the shore. They will feel they are being torn apart, and they will suffer greatly.

Know the river has its destination.

The elders say we must let go of the shore, push off into the middle of the River.

Keep our eyes open and our head above the water.

See who is there with you and celebrate.

At this time in history, we are to take nothing personally, least of all ourselves. For the moment that we do, our spiritual growth and journey come to a halt.

The time of the lone wolf is over. Gather yourselves.

Banish the word “struggle” from your attitude and your vocabulary.

All that we do now must be done in a sacred manner and in celebration.

We are the ones we’ve been waiting for.

— The Elders of the Hopi Nation, Oraibi, Arizona

I want to talk about a word that tends to get a lot of mixed initial reactions from guys, especially those who are single and dating…because the original underlying meaning has been lost and obscured with empty cultural trappings.

Bear with me, here…these thoughts are kind of vague and random, but I am going somewhere, honest.

I’ve recently been thinking a lot about the word “husband”…and it’s become a really important key to understanding relationships for me. Now, for this discussion, put out of your mind all ideas of marriage and traditionality, here. Personally, I’d love to be married again someday…but believe me, I’m not the guy to offhandedly support traditional relationship structures. I’m not talking about getting hitched and putting up a white picket fence…I’m talking about basic fundamental aspects of how men and women relate, aspects that I truly feel are mostly lost in today’s society.

I have an ex that’s been going through some problems recently…health issues, financial woes, etc. She’s not the one for me—we split up for valid reasons—but we are close friends, and it actually disturbs me deeply that she doesn’t have a good man in her life.

She has a boyfriend…but he ain’t all that. He’s an okay guy, but he’s really just someone to pass the time with. I don’t blame her…and I’m not jealous…she just doesn’t want to be lonely.

One day, after I’d talked to her, I was passing through my neighborhood and saw a yard with a big fenced-off garden. It looked like something that once was really lush and beautiful and bursting with life…but it had fallen into decay from neglect. Weeds everywhere…brown dried husks where there should have been bright flowers.

I thought how sad it is that there is no one to take care of it, that its potential lies dormant and unrealized…and something sparked in my mind and made me think of my ex.

I thought of how much I wished there were someone to take care of that garden and help it bloom.

The word “husband” etymologically relates to the idea of “animal husbandry”. If you are a farmer, you are quite literally, a husband to your animals. All of the plants and animals under your care…all that life…is entrusted to your keeping, and through your knowledge and care, they flourish to everyone’s benefit.

So, being a husband encompasses the idea of taking stewardship over something living, to help it blossom and flourish, to help it realize a potential that it could never do on its own. But a potential which ultimately, the “husband” can share the fruits of but never claim for his own…he can only stand by and appreciate from the side, because it lies completely outside his realm, as his complementary opposite nature. It’s a precious symbiotic relationship.

There is no more sacred and fertile ground than a woman. Not simply the soil from which human flesh arises, but from which consciousness itself is born. This is an ongoing process, not just when a woman is literally physically pregnant.

What would your relationships be like if you related to women in this way? If you acted as her “husband”…whether your interaction lasts five minutes, or a lifetime…choosing to see her as a fertile ground from which amazing fruits could develop, were they to have the benefit of your masculine presence?

“This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; the being a force of nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.”

—George Bernard Shaw

So…what’s so great about young women?

As guys reach my age range (42, if you must know) it’s not uncommon for them to be attracted to younger women, especially if he’s newly single due to divorce. Of course, it’s pretty common in general for the man to be older than the woman. There are plenty of reasons for this, and while some of those reasons make some sense, a lot of them are very narrow of vision.

A few weeks ago, I advised a 41-year-old recently divorced man who described how he was only attracted to younger women. He found young women fresh and exhilarating, with bright and curious minds…and he found the look of admiration in their eyes rejuvenating. And of course, they have toned figures, flawless skin and gravity-defying breasts.

By contrast, women his own age were completely unattractive to him…he said they all have grey attitudes, are bitter and jaded (especially the still-single ones)…and that they’ve lost their femininity.

I pointed out to him that you see what you choose to see.

You always attract what and who reflects your current emotional level, your beliefs, and who you are at that time. I told him that, although I’m no stranger to dating younger women, I’ve also found plenty of women in their 30s and 40s who absolutely sparkle with vibrancy and have the complexity, maturity, and developed intelligence (not just a bright and curious mind) to match. There are still bitter and jaded women out there, but the jewels who hold on to their femininity are out there, too…and they can give you everything a young woman can and unbelievably more.

There are qualities of youth that are undeniably attractive…but if this is the only way you see women, it will do you good to expand your view.

By looking deeper, you will enhance your ability to perceive beauty and appreciate it in women. The inner qualities that make a young woman appear enticingly feminine can actually increase as a woman matures. If a woman fosters it through nurturing and maintaining these feminine qualities—especially if you tune yourself to see it—then her radiance and inner light will grow as she gets older, rather than fade.

I’m going to go into deeper detail on these inner qualities of femininity in a later post…but in a nutshell, I mean those qualities that are complementary to (and therefore both attractive and attracted to) masculinity.

And if you’re a younger guy, you don’t need to be into hunting cougars to put this principle to work, because your ability to see and appreciate inner beauty will actually make you more attractive to women…all women. Being capable of seeing a 90-year-old woman as a radiant goddess will make the 23-year-old hottie melt.

Your ability to appreciate female beauty on every level will help whatever woman you choose to spend time with understand that you see what is inside her clearly…that you appreciate her on all levels.

“It’s a very funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.”

—William Somerset Maugham

One of the best things you can do to attract the woman you want…is to know what you want.

Do you know what you want?

Most guys have very little idea of what kind of woman would perfectly enhance their life. Even more surprisingly, guys often have little idea of what qualities simply attract them. They are simply happy to have a woman—any woman—spending time with them.

If you are new to the dating scene…or if you’ve been at it for a while…there is nothing that will help you more than sitting down and giving some serious thought to exactly what qualities you like in a woman.

Make a list. Really…get out a piece of paper and start writing. Make a list of all the qualities you’d like to see in your ideal woman. If you keep a journal, that’s the perfect place to do this exercise.

Jot down every trait you find desirable, physical and non-physical. If you like blondes, write it down. If you value intelligence in a woman, write it down. You cannot be too specific, here. Writing things down will solidify them in the back of your mind and help you home in on the woman who will enhance your life in every way.

When I made my list a couple years ago, it filled an entire page. Among my most desired attributes were intelligence, a sense of humor, open-hearted and open-minded, blonde, 5’8″, great legs, few or no tattoos (creepy tats being a deal-breaker), great skin, a killer sense of style, feminine, non-judgmental, spiritual, creative. While making the list, I discovered things I was attracted to that I’d never consciously thought of before, like having a sexy Cindy Crawford-style mole or two on her face.

It’s a good idea for you to identify which qualities you feel are absolute must-haves, versus the ones that are simply preferences.

For example, intelligence for me is absolutely non-negotiable. I simply must have a woman that I can meet on a level intellectual playing field. In fact, I’d totally get off on a woman that’s even smarter than me.

On the other hand…blondes. I think we can all agree they’re certainly hot…but for me, being blonde is simply a preference. Dark hair is not a deal-breaker for me.

As you date different women, you’ll very likely find that your list evolves. There may be things you felt were important to you last year, that matter little (or not at all) today. And conversely, there may be qualities you hadn’t even thought of when you made the list, that you suddenly discover are very important to you. One of the things I later added to my own list was that I wanted a woman who has a good relationship with her father.

As a matter of fact, if you are inexperienced in the dating arena…whether it’s because you’re young, or say, newly single after a divorce…you should date different women. As many as possible. Jump start this evolution I just mentioned by “sampling from the buffet” before limiting yourself to preconceived notions…but don’t let that stop you from doing this exercise, either. I’m going to talk more about this in a future post.

Once you’re done with your list, you can pull it out and review it from time to time…but much of the benefit is gained by simply doing the initial exercise of writing the list down, even if you seldom consciously return to it. You’ll find that gradually—very much like using affirmations—your list is embedded in your subconscious, and guides your interactions with women and your decisions regarding them.

In keeping with the idea of affirmations, my opinion is that it’s best to keep the qualities on your list defined in positive terms, i.e., rather than saying something negative like “not overweight” use wording like “athletic” or “has a healthy body image”. Describe what you want, not what you don’t want.

Reasons why this exercise is important…

As I said in the beginning…most guys have given little conscious thought to what type of woman would satisfy them. This is a dangerous position to be in, because it means you are not directing your life in this area. It means that rather than taking control, you are letting life control you. Don’t be “most guys”. You need a map to get where you want to go, even if you need to refine the map as you follow it.

Perhaps even more profoundly, to not have an active understanding of the type of woman you want means you have no standards. If you’ll take a woman into your life simply because she happens to be a female human, that means you are desperate. That’s the very definition of desperate. Women can smell desperation like a wolf can smell fear.

While desperation is a turn-off to women, on the other hand, every woman enjoys being valued for her unique qualities. Every woman wants to feel special and one-of-a-kind. When meeting women, you can simply be curious about her, and rather than feeling like you see her as “just another female”, she’ll understand that you are selective. You’ll be able to place yourself in the rare position of sincerely wanting to explore her personality. If you meet a woman who matches your ideals, you’ll automatically be giving her the gift of feeling uniquely valued. Women are attracted to you in large part because of how they feel when they are with you. When they feel unique and special around you, they will want to be around you.